"Leona Lewis would be an X-Factor in any relationship. She also starred on the British show The X-Factor."

(Ex Fak-ter) Origin – Factor is based on the Latin word for “He Who Does”; therefore, an X-factor means “He who does or doesn’t.”

Most of you already familiar with this term probably heard it used in a sports context. It certainly applies – genuinely describing the performance of an athlete that substantially changes the way a team plays. When Ricky Watters of the San Francisco 49ers of old, fumbled and bumbled, the team lost. When Ricky’s hands were sticky – you and I don’t want to know – the 49ers won.

"Neon Deion, the 2 sport X-Factor, gamechanger extraordinare."

Deion Sanders. Ever notice how no one wanted to throw to Deion’s side? Roger Craig of the 49ers. High steppin over defenses. One player, affecting the outcome of a given event. The duality of this is important – but can be applied in a number of different ways – i.e. when Deion was on or off the field, or when Ricky played a good game or not.

"If Simon Cowell is involved with this X-Factor show, it must be long, drawn out bullshit too."

*X-Factor also has a comic book which is somehow related to the X-Men line. I don’t know how. There’s also a show called The X-Factor, see the picture of Leona Lewis.

"Do you feel lucky, punk? This widowmaker is un-fuck-witable."

(Wid-ow-mak-er) Origin – These things leave people without their spouses.

An item that extinguishes life in a particularly heinous or messy fashion, leaving affected families unable to visually identify the corpse. Widowmakers are often accompanied by overtly macho men, typically imbued with a penchant for one-liners.

"Arnold was the king of the one-liners. His shotgun to your grill is the king of the widowmakers - just ask any zombie."

Andy is the posterboy for those out there who have been vindicated.

For us sweet sinners in the world, vindication represents a near unattainable cleansing of all past wrongs. Therefore, to be vindicated is to experience a blissful moment of clarity, or to be completely absolved of everything that makes you feel dirty, or wakes you up at night in a guilty sweat.

Frank W. Abagnale, Jr., Masterfully Vindicated.

"Brüno's uber gay & Sasha Baron Cohen is an ubergenius comedian."

(oo-ber) Origin – Scandanavia – descended directly from the Norse Gods that best represent uber-godhood.

Uber is a term meant to describe the ultimate form of supremacy. Originally derived from Nietzche’s description of the ubermensch, or super-man, the term uber has been completely bastardized in it’s transition to english adjective by its common usage. Blame whomever you’d like for this transformation, but in the end, it won’t matter – uber means super now, so fucking deal.

"I don't think Nietzche would have been too unhappy about an army of these ubermensch."

Typically uber is used to explain a string of actions that seems inconceivably difficult to execute, executed perfectly. The EA Big game “SSX Tricky” solidified uber in the gaming lexicon by letting racers who chained tricks together pull off an ubertrick for major points. Actual German meaning: 0, English bastardization: 1. Since Tricky’s release, and the decline of the SSX franchise – uber has fallen out of the common deathmatch lingo – to be replaced by it’s purely english counterpart – EPIC (Definition to Come).

"Uber or Epic? It can be hard to know the difference - turn to The Malephabet for help."

"That's right, 4 touchdowns in 1 game. Now, who wants to touch me?"

(Try-umf)

Triumph is meant to represent complete victory. To be triumphant is to revel in the moment, and all moments subsequent, of domination over your opposition. The sweetest triumphs are preceeded by tribulation (definition to come) or tangible, persistent adversity. These brief, and often all-too-rare, joys must be embraced and committed to memory – much like Al Bundy triumphantly reflects back on “4 in one game” as a means to slip the bonds of his daily shoe-slinging drudgery.

"She should commit this triumph to memory - the rest of her life will likely be spent in the service of others."

You may also know Triumph as a killer motorcycle manufacturer based out of the UK.

"Triumph is the embodiment of motorcycle sickness."

"The world does not start and stop around you."

(Ess-Tee-Eff-Yoo) Origin – the internet spawned this lovely four letter acronym.

This useful phrase plays an intricate role in one-sided arguments across the globe. Depending on the placement of emphasis, STFU can be used jokingly, to tell someone off in a particularly emphatic manner, or to dismiss some foolish or wild notion. Try it as a text message or IM to really enjoy the full effect of on-the-go profanity – GTFO & STFU!

"Lindsay Lohan faking a smile while thinking why won't this person STFU."

"Can you believe Kerry Katona got ripped-off at knifepoint?"

(Rip Of)

1. To be sold a product of lower or inadequate quality through deceptive or misleading practices. Some examples of modern day rip-offs include: bottled waters actually sourced from tap water, healthcare without insurance (try paying $5k out of pocket for a couple of diagnostic tests) and most prebuilt computers (you’re paying for all that shit-tastic software you delete immediately upon opening.)

"He's happy to rip you off with a couple of extraneous tests."

2. Rip-off can also reference the act of stealing from another. You can knock-over or rip-off gas stations or banks. While this will occasionally net a small cash endowment – it will be brief, followed by a not-so-brief stint in prison.

Getting ripped-off is a painful experience, usually initiating the same grieving process that remaning family members experience after the loss of someone dear. The violation of  personal space and the eerie funk that persists for a short in a house that’s been ripped-off or a car that’s been broken into  can be unnerving; however, typically this is temporary, so ride it out and rebuild.

"It's safe to say he is going to feel violated after this rip-off."

"...it's written all over his face. Not to be confused with a quickie."

(Kwi-ke) Origin – Caveman Ugg was premature the night Cavewoman Arr came on to him – he called it a quickie, she called him a disappointment in the cave at the berry-picking circle the next morning.

Quickies come in a number of iterations, almost all of them leaving one party with a shit-eating grin on their face and that warm feeling that only impromptu intercourse can muster. You know the feeling, the one that leaves you feeling proud and naughty.

"Quickies are defined by their spontaneity. Turns out, Quickie also manufactures wheelchairs."

Quickies brighten almost everyone’s day, especially during recessive economic periods – where having sex with a trusted partner (or partners – who are we to judge you?) is substantially cheaper* than going out for entertainment.

"The helmets really help prevent spinal damage during especially wild quickies."

*Note: The Malephabet’s mathematical equations account for safe sex practices. Pregnancy makes sex very expensive – as your bouts of pleasure must be weighed against a lifetime amortized.

Paktarded – Slur, Referencing Another’s Action – synonym of retarded, idiotic, dumbass, dumbshit.

"Suicide Bombing is Paktarded, just ask Simon Tyszko's Barbie."

(Pack-Tar-Dead) Inspired by International Policy Decisions by the Bush Administration

Paktarded: something so completely illogical that no sane human being could have conceived of it, much less seen this action through to fruition. Sadly, paktarded things happen all the time. Just visit your local highway, parking lot, mall, or similar popular gathering place – I’m sure you’ll see more than enough Paktard to satisfy your Darwin award quotient for the day, week, or month.

"Bush's international policies were Paktarded for the most part. Global Gag? Really?"

"Mom! Leave me the fuck alone, I'm trying to setup my eHarmony account."

(Nurd) Origin – Willy Wonka may have created the candy – but intel birthed the nerd. They even admit it in their commercial.

Nerds have become progressively more difficult to define as time has moved forward. In the 80′s, nerds were people that got deep into computers, technology, and generally everything else that their judgers take for granted these days. In the 90′s, nerds morphed into billionaire playboys; blinging out their pocket protectors, learning about the dangers of sex from someone other than mom or the bangbros, and really came into their own. As we wind down the 00′s, nerds play a crucial role in maintaining access to the interwebs, teaching models that life is about more than collagen and silicone, and redefining how we speak to our friends in the real world (social networking & e-dating means you can get rejected without being face to face.)

"You nerds wish you could meet this girl."

Nerds can still be readily identified by a few common traits: they are overly involved and enthusiastic about something that you probably have no interest in, they have a much higher technical proficiency than the average bar patron, and still have underdeveloped interpersonal communciation skills (not that this isn’t true of 95% of men out there anyway – why should we learn to feel?).

"Nerd: If the cos-play wasn't enough, the manga on the bookshelf solidifies it."

Important note: -nerd can also be used as a suffix to describe someone’s overt enthusiasm about a specific unpopular topic. For instance, mathnerds go nuts about calculating derivate equations, computing vector projections, and analysing population demographic patterns.

"If you recognize this, you are a gamenerd like like I am. "